Common Myths About Anger Management
People have always tried to help themselves, their friends and family members with managing difficult emotions. Homespun advice can be appealing because it often seems commonsensical. Also, the people who share this advice are coming from the best place. We can feel their open-heartedness and appreciate how much they care about us. However, for anger management, we now know that some folksy solutions that have floated around for a long time, aren’t true.
Let’s clear up some of the advice that can come from best intentions but end up being the least helpful.
Myth #1: It’s good to let your angry energy out in a safe way. For example, punching pillows, repeatedly slamming your fists into the bed, or destroying something, like a pile of cardboard boxes, helps.
In the short term, this physical release can help you have an emotional release. However, over time, we don’t want to pair angry feelings with physically aggressive responses. Our brain will notice that hitting things does make us feel better. Our brain can be quick to latch on to this solution. One of the problems with anger that gets out of your control is that you are already at risk for lashing out physically. Practicing physical aggression can bring you closer to that in the angry moment.
Myth #2: Being in control of your anger means shoving it down. Instead of having explosions of anger, the better choice is to suppress your emotions and put up a strong, stoic front.
The problem with this idea is that it assumes there are only two choices. Further, these two choices are the extremes of either expressing no emotion or destructive emotion. We are not supposed to let our emotions explode. Also, we are not supposed to stuff our emotions down. We are supposed to be able to access and experience all the emotions in the spectrum of the human condition. Just like we should be able to successfully experience surprise, love and joy, we should be equally successful at experiencing fear, frustration, and disappointment.
Every feeling has a beginning, a middle and an end. In a healthy person, we are aware of the emotion. We can correctly identify it. We experience the feeling. We may need to process it, and then we can move on to the next thing. We’re not supposed to get stuck. And we are not supposed to act like a numb robot.
Myth #3: People say what they really think and how they really feel when they are angry.
Untrue. Anger happens in the place in our brain that is designed to manage threat. When we are angry, we say and do things to engage the real or perceived threat with retaliation, or escape. Our words and actions are designed to disarm the other person, make them feel smaller or to make ourselves feel bigger. That’s why arguments can deteriorate so quickly. In a disagreement, an attitude or a tone of voice can spiral into insults, name calling and dredging up the most sensitive things the angry person can think of, to throw at you. In your anger, you may be doing the same to them.
Myth # 4: It’s important to say what you’re thinking. If you don’t let it all out, you’ll be even more angry later.
This may feel so true and important when you are angry. That’s because, when we are in our angry brain, we are more impulsive, and our judgment is compromised. What you say and how you handle the conversation, or the situation should come from your calm brain. That houses our wisdom, our ability to see the big picture and to consider the future. This is where we can make choices so that our words and actions reflect our values. What we say and do should move us forward in the relationships and goals that are most meaningful to us.
Myth #5: Anger is a negative emotion.
Anger is a normal emotion that all humans experience. It is ok to feel angry. It is not ok to scream, throw things, push, hit, kick, demean or harm others.
Myth #6: Men are Angrier Than Women
Our society holds distinct stereotypes for what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. Within these cookie-cutter templates, men are not supposed to be emotionally complex or expressive. In fact, often the only emotion that we view as acceptable in the male stereotype is anger. Research shows that, in fact, men do not experience anger more frequently than women. Men report experiencing anger more intensely than women do. However, women tend to hold on to their anger longer than men do. It bears repeating, anger is a human emotion. The trick is for men and women to experience and express this emotion in a way that is healthy and constructive.
If you or a loved one could benefit from gaining control over anger, I help with CBT for anger management. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to discuss how I can meet your needs.